It can be challenging to make good parenting decisions when high emotions are present. After all, parents are human too. You may be looking for ways to create change, but running into problems because every parenting book or resource you come across has a slightly different approach or guide for you to follow.

So, you might feel swamped and not sure what to do next. But, keep in mind, parenting is all about learning as you go. What works for one kid or family might not work for another. Your parenting journey may look different from that of other parents and that’s okay. For some parents, part of that journey involves shifting from reactive parenting to responsive parenting or proactive parenting.

In this post, we’ll explore examples of reactive parenting and ways to , which can lead to a calmer home, really meaningful change, more stable attachments, and healthy relationships between parents and their children.

What is reactive parenting?

Reactive parenting is when a parent responds to their child’s behavior in a way that is based on emotions instead of rational thinking. This often results in impulsive reactions, yelling or punishing without taking the time to understand why the child’s behavior occurred in the first place.

Some common traps or examples of reactive parenting include:

• Yelling at your child for spilling juice on the carpet instead of calmly addressing the situation and finding a solution together
• Giving your child harsh consequences for forgetting to do their homework instead of talking to them about why they forgot and finding a way to help them remember in the future
• Ignoring your child’s emotional needs because you are too busy or overwhelmed with your own emotions

Reactive parenting can stem from various underlying issues like stress, lack of communication skills, or unresolved personal issues. It can also be a learned behavior from you were raised. One of the biggest pieces of the equation when it comes to reactive parenting is often your own emotions. Adults can have big feelings too, and sometimes when you have unmet needs as a parent, it can be difficult to respond to your child’s problem behaviors in a calm and rational manner.

Why is reactive parenting problematic?

Reactive parenting can create tension and resentment between parents and their children. When children feel like they are constantly being punished or yelled at, they may start to act out more or withdraw emotionally. This can also lead to a negative cycle where the child’s behavior triggers an emotional response from the parent, which in turn triggers more negative behavior from the child.

The Cycle of Reactive Parenting

The reactive parenting style is a common pattern that many parents fall into, whether consciously or unconsciously and while it may seem like a temporary solution to managing difficult behaviors, reactive parenting can actually create a harmful cycle for both the parent and child.

Here’s how the cycle of reactive parenting works:

• Child exhibits challenging behavior: Whether it’s constant whining, temper tantrums, or defiance, children sometimes engage in behaviors that trigger a reactive response from their parents.
• Parent reacts impulsively: In the heat of the moment, a parent may yell, punish, or ignore their child’s behavior without taking a step back to assess the situation. This impulsive reaction can stem from frustration, exhaustion, or even triggers from their own childhood experiences.
• Child receives negative attention: Children crave attention from their parents, even if it’s negative. When they receive a reactive response, it reinforces the belief that this is the only way to get their parent’s attention and meet their needs.
• Parent feels guilty or inadequate: After reacting impulsively, many parents may feel guilty or inadequate, especially if their child’s behavior continues. This can lead to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and fear of being a bad parent.
• Child’s challenging behavior persists: As the cycle repeats, the child’s challenging behavior may continue or even escalate as they seek more attention from their reactive parent.

Over-reactive parenting can have negative effects on both the parent and child, including:

• Damaged relationships: Constant yelling, punishing, or ignoring can really disrupt family life and strain the relationship between parent and child.
• Increased aggression: When children are constantly met with reactive responses, they may begin to act out more aggressively as a way to cope.
• Low self-esteem: Children who are constantly reprimanded or ignored may develop feelings of low self-worth and inadequacy.
• Ineffective discipline: Reactive parenting often involves punishment without addressing the root cause of the behavior, leading to ineffective discipline and repeating problematic behaviors.

How can you avoid reactive parenting?

The cycle of reactive parenting can be difficult to break, especially if it has been ingrained in your parenting style for a long time. But the good news is that the cycle can be broken with hard work, like practicing more mindful and intentional parenting strategies. Here are some tips on how to avoid reactive responses and promote a more positive and effective parenting style:

1. Take a deep breath before reacting: When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a moment to pause and take a few deep breaths before responding.
2. Communicate calmly: Instead of yelling or punishing, try to communicate with your child in a calm and respectful manner. This will help avoid escalating the situation and allow for more effective communication.
3. Identify triggers: Pay attention to what situations or behaviors trigger your reactive responses, and try to address them before they happen. For example, if you know transitions are difficult for your child, prepare them beforehand by setting expectations and giving them warnings.
4. Practice empathy: Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. This can help you respond with empathy instead of anger or frustration.
5. Take breaks when needed: If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed or about to react negatively, take a break and step away from the situation for a few minutes. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts before responding.
6. Seek support: Parenting is hard, and it’s okay to ask for help or seek support when needed. Consider joining a parenting group or talking to a therapist to work on managing your reactive responses.

Responsive Parenting

Now, the next part of creating fundamental shift away from reactive parenting is adopting a more helpful parenting style.

Let’s talk about a great alternative to reactive parenting: responsive parenting. Responsive parenting is a style of parenting that focuses on building a strong and positive relationship with your child. Responsive parenting is also an extension of the whole child approach because it requires a holistic approach because underlying needs that aren’t being met can have a huge impact on a child’s behavior. 

At the core, responsive parenting involves being in tune with your child’s needs and emotions, as well as consistently responding to them in an appropriate and supportive manner. Children’s behavior can often be a way of communicating their needs and by being responsive, you can help them develop healthy coping strategies and communication skills.

How to shift towards responsive parenting

Responsive parenting involves taking a more thoughtful and empathetic approach towards your child’s behavior. Instead of reacting impulsively, responsive parents press the pause button during difficulty moments and take the time to understand their child’s emotions and needs before responding.

One key aspect of shifting towards responsive parenting is being aware of your own emotions and reactions. By implementing mindfulness practices and self-regulation techniques, you can better manage your own emotions and respond to your child in a calm and supportive manner. This can also help you model healthy emotional regulation for your child.

Another key to making the shift towards responsive parenting is creating a safe and nurturing environment for your child. This means setting clear rules, boundaries, and expectations, while also providing love, understanding, and support. By creating a secure attachment with your child, they will feel safe and supported in expressing their emotions and needs.

Communication is also a crucial component of responsive parenting. This involves actively listening to your child, validating their feelings, and engaging in open and respectful dialogue. By communicating effectively with your child, you can strengthen your bond and teach them valuable social skills.

The opposite of reactive parenting is proactive parenting. So you can also take things a step further by implementing proactive strategies like positive reinforcement, problem-solving strategies, and conflict resolution techniques.

The benefits of responsive parenting

Responsive parenting has numerous benefits for both the parent and the child. It can lead to a stronger relationship between parent and child, as well as improved emotional regulation and communication skills for the child. By creating a safe and nurturing environment, responsive parenting can also foster a sense of security and trust in the child.

Furthermore, responsive parenting has been linked to positive long-term outcomes for children, such as better academic performance, improved self-esteem, and healthier relationships. It can also help prevent behavior problems and reduce the likelihood of developing mental health issues.

Challenges of responsive parenting

While responsive parenting has many benefits, it can also be challenging at times. It requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to adapt to your child’s individual needs. Additionally, as mentioned before, parents are humans to with their own emotions and triggers that can make it difficult to respond in a calm and understanding manner.

It is important to acknowledge these challenges and really lean on your support system when needed. This can include talking to other parents, seeking guidance from professionals, or practicing self-care to manage your own emotions and well-being.

Ways to Parent Proactively

The beautiful thing about proactive parenting is that it is a continuous learning process and there are always new strategies and techniques to try. Here are 10 ways to parent differently while using a proactive or responsive parenting style: 

1. Listen and validate your child’s feelings: This means actively listening to your child without judgement or trying to fix their problems. Instead, acknowledge their emotions and let them know it is okay to feel that way.
2. Use positive reinforcement: Rather than focusing on punishments, try using positive reinforcement by praising good behavior and acknowledging efforts.
3. Encourage independence: Allow your child to make their own choices and decisions when appropriate, as it helps build self-confidence and autonomy.
4. Set clear boundaries and expectations: Children thrive with structure and consistency, so be sure to communicate rules and expectations clearly.
5. Practice problem-solving: Instead of solving every problem for your child, encourage them to come up with solutions on their own. This will help build their problem-solving skills.
6. Lead by example: Children are always watching and learning from their parents, so be sure to model the behaviors and values you want to see in your child.
7. Communicate effectively: Use open and honest communication with your child, even when it may be difficult or uncomfortable.
8. Understand developmental stages: It is important to understand that children go through different stages of development, and their behavior may be a reflection of this. Take the time to learn about your child’s developmental stage and adjust your parenting accordingly.
9. Use positive language: Instead of using negative or critical language, try phrasing things in a positive way. For example, instead of saying “Don’t run!”, try saying “Let’s walk please.”
10. Show unconditional love: Make sure your child knows that they are loved and accepted, no matter what. This helps build a strong sense of self-worth and security.

Changing the way that you parent is one of the most difficult things to do. But with a better understanding of reactive parenting, you’re better equipped to get out of that cycle and really step into your best parenting years. Coupling that with knowledge of proactive parenting and responsive parenting, it will be easier for you to take a new approach.

The next time you find yourself reacting to your child’s behavior instead of responding, take a deep breath and remember that you’ve got this. I hope you found this helpful!