Autism and the Holidays: How to Protect Peace, Preserve Joy, and Personalize Traditions That Work for Your Family

Holidays are supposed to be joyful but when you’re raising a neurodivergent child, sometimes they can bring a complicated mix of pressure, sensory overload, and exhaustion.

As a school psychologist who works with families navigating autism, ADHD, sensory challenges, and related needs, I’ve seen this pattern play out in so many homes. Sometimes it can be challenging to navigate autism during the holidays.

This post isn’t a list of quick tips or one-size-fits-all solutions. It’s an invitation to think differently about what the holidays can look like on your terms.

In this blog post, I talk about how to protect peace, preserve joy, and personalize traditions in a way that fits your child’s needs and your own because you deserve more than survival mode.

Centering Your Child’s Needs Without Losing Sight of Your Own

When a child is autistic, the holidays can feel like a high-stakes balancing act: sensory overload on one side, social expectations on the other, and your family’s needs caught in the middle. It’s natural to want this time to feel special, but that doesn’t mean everything has to be magical (or even memorable) for it to be meaningful.

Start with one simple question: What actually brings your child comfort, joy, or meaning during the holiday season? The answer might surprise you. Maybe it’s the quiet ritual of turning on tree lights at the same time every night, lining up candles just so, or watching the same movie ten times. Maybe it’s not going to the big party, but knowing they’ll have one-on-one time with a trusted adult while everyone else is there.

Instead of chasing a picture-perfect holiday, think about which moments make your child feel regulated and connected. Your time is better spent protecting those moments than pouring energy into traditions that just don’t fit.

And then, ask yourself the same question.

What do you need to feel grounded during the holidays? What helps you regulate, reflect, or recharge? It’s not self-indulgent to ask. It’s strategic. The holiday season brings enough pressure without layering on the belief that your needs don’t matter.

Maybe you need some quiet in the morning before the house wakes up. Maybe you need to skip certain gatherings or show up late. Maybe you need a clear plan for the week ahead so you’re not stuck fielding last-minute decisions when everyone’s already dysregulated.

It’s okay if your needs don’t perfectly align with your child’s. Most don’t. But identifying them clearly makes it easier to find a rhythm that works for both of you. That might mean you trade off responsibilities with a partner or relative, build in downtime between events, or say no to something that used to feel non-negotiable.

Doing less doesn’t mean caring less. It means being honest about your family’s capacity and making room for peace to grow, even if that peace looks different from what other people expect.

Traditions That Flex: Reimagining Holiday Routines

There’s often an unspoken rule during the holidays: if it’s a tradition, it must be preserved. But for families of autistic children, sticking rigidly to tradition can be a recipe for stress instead of joy. The truth is, traditions are meant to serve your family, not the other way around.

Take a moment to evaluate which holiday routines actually work for your child’s developmental stage, sensory profile, and interests. Something that felt manageable at age three might feel overwhelming at age seven. A tradition that works well for one sibling might be completely mismatched for another.

For example:

• If your child finds large crowds overwhelming, skipping the holiday parade or mall Santa visit might be the best gift you can give.
• If your child feels most secure with familiar routines, you might choose to celebrate over several days using shorter, more predictable moments.
• If food textures are a frequent struggle, there’s no rule that says you have to serve traditional dishes just because it’s what everyone else expects.

You have full permission to create holiday experiences that actually support your child. That might look like adjusting your expectations around clothing, decorations, or time spent visiting others. It could mean honoring one small tradition that your child looks forward to and letting go of the rest for now. These choices aren’t about lowering the bar. They’re about protecting your child’s regulation, your family’s connection, and your own peace of mind.

For children who struggle with transitions or unexpected changes, visual supports can be especially helpful. You might use a countdown calendar, pictures of upcoming events, or a written list of who you’ll be seeing and what you’ll be doing. Storybooks and social stories can also offer a helpful script for what to expect and how to handle situations that feel uncertain.

If you find yourself second-guessing a decision that simplifies your holiday routine, it might help to come back to a whole-child perspective. Understanding the five stages of child development can make it easier to reframe what your child can realistically manage at this point in their journey.

Sensory Supports Without Shame

When people talk about holiday accommodations for autistic kids, they often stop at noise-canceling headphones. While those can be incredibly helpful, they’re just one tool. Supporting your child’s sensory needs goes far beyond that—and it’s not something you should feel the need to apologize for.

Start by thinking about the full environment. Will the lights be bright? Will music be playing? Are there strong smells, new textures, or unfamiliar clothes involved? Preparing for those elements ahead of time can make a real difference. You might bring a change of clothes if formalwear is uncomfortable, plan an exit strategy in case things become too loud or crowded, or talk with your host about setting up a quiet space your child can retreat to if needed.

Sensory breaks are not a failure. They’re a strategy. Some children benefit from short periods of movement, like stepping outside for fresh air or walking around the block. Others might prefer a few quiet minutes with a book, a tablet, or a sensory item that helps them regulate. For some kids, having permission to skip the group activity altogether and recharge on their own is what helps them participate more fully later on.

One of the most powerful things you can do is model confidence in your child’s needs. Instead of whispering explanations or rushing to smooth over discomfort, speak about sensory supports with the same tone you’d use to mention a food allergy or bedtime routine. It sends a clear message to others—and to your child—that their needs are valid and they do not need to feel ashamed.

This might sound simple, but it matters: when extended family or friends ask questions, you don’t owe a long explanation. A short, calm response like, “Loud spaces are overwhelming for her, so we’re building in some breaks,” is more than enough.

The goal isn’t to eliminate every challenge. It’s to create a holiday experience where your child feels safe enough to be themselves.

Supporting Communication Before, During, and After Events

Holidays often come with unfamiliar settings, new people, and unexpected changes, all of which can be especially tough for autistic children, especially those who use few words or have rigid thinking patterns. That’s why communication support matters just as much as sensory support.

Start before the event even begins. Walk your child through what to expect using whatever format works best for them. This might include social stories, visual schedules, or a short list of steps: where you’ll go, who you’ll see, what might happen, and how long you’ll stay. Even if your child doesn’t ask questions, don’t assume they’re not thinking about what’s coming. Giving them a clear framework can help reduce anxiety and build trust.

If your child uses an AAC device, make sure relevant holiday vocabulary is already programmed in. That might include names of family members, food options, preferred activities, or ways to express needs like “I want to go home” or “too loud.”

When you’re with others, you may find yourself wanting to advocate or clarify your child’s behavior without putting them on display. You are allowed to set boundaries around what you do and don’t share. A simple, respectful statement like, “He’s doing what works for him right now,” or “We’re following her communication cues,” can shift the conversation without requiring you to justify anything.

After the event, make space to check in. Ask how your child felt, even if you’re not sure they’ll respond. You can offer options like thumbs up or down, visuals, or sentence starters if that helps. Talk through anything that felt confusing or upsetting, and celebrate the parts that went well. This kind of preview and debrief process is especially valuable for kids who tend to ruminate or replay hard moments in their minds. It gives them a way to name what happened and feel a sense of closure.

The more your child feels heard before, during, and after these events, the more confident and connected they’re likely to feel during the holidays and after.

Gifts, Expectations, and Overwhelm

Gift giving can bring joy, but it also brings pressure. This is especially true when people don’t fully understand your child’s preferences or needs. Questions like “What do they want this year?” can feel complicated when the answer isn’t clear or when your child’s interests don’t line up with what others expect.

You are not obligated to turn your child’s wishlist into a teaching moment or reshape their preferences to fit someone else’s idea of what is appropriate. It’s okay to say, “They love the same thing they loved last year,” or “He’s really into lining things up right now, so items that stack or sort are perfect.”

It’s also okay to redirect. If a relative tends to choose gifts that miss the mark, you can offer gentle guidance ahead of time. You might say, “She does best with toys that don’t have loud sounds,” or “We’re trying to keep things simple this year, so books or sensory items are great.” You can also create a short list or shared wishlist with links to things you know your child will enjoy.

If receiving gifts is overwhelming, consider adjusting how and when they are opened. Some families spread gifts out over several days. Others skip the surprise altogether and let their child preview or even help pick their presents. None of these choices make the moment less meaningful.

When the Season Is Hard

For many families, the holidays come with a mix of emotions. Sometimes the season is difficult for reasons that have nothing to do with autism at all.

You might be grieving someone who won’t be there this year. You might be managing family tension or carrying the weight of unmet expectations. You might be comparing your experience to the polished snapshots you see online and wondering why it feels so different in your home.

Whatever you’re feeling, it matters. You don’t have to push it aside in the name of holiday cheer. There is room for joy and sadness to exist together. There is space for both gratitude and grief.

If you’ve had to step away from certain traditions, relationships, or expectations, you are not alone. Many parents of neurodivergent children find that this season brings clarity as well as complexity. Some connections grow stronger. Others shift. Some gatherings bring warmth. Others require boundaries.

You are allowed to acknowledge what feels hard. You are allowed to center what helps your family feel steady, even if it looks different from what you once imagined.

Joy does not have to be loud or carefully curated. Sometimes it looks like a quiet moment of connection, an evening at home, or the relief of not having to explain. Those moments matter just as much as any celebration.

Autism During the Holidays: Let the Season Meet You Where You Are

If the holidays look different in your house, that’s totally okay. You’re doing what works for your child, what works for you, and what fits the season your family is in right now.

Traditions can change. Needs can shift. What doesn’t work this year might become manageable in the future. What brings peace today might become the tradition you carry forward.

You are allowed to choose calm over chaos. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to protect what matters most.

If you’re already thinking ahead to school support or wondering how to make sense of new systems and terminology, these posts might help:

• ‘Acronyms for autism: What all those letters actually mean and when you’re likely to hear them
• 504 accommodations for autism: How to build stronger partnerships with your child’s school

If you’ve made it this far, your family is probably exactly the kind of family I write these blog posts for. If you’d like to keep reading posts like this one, subscribe below to stay updated.